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A professional sexual health educator with an alarming lack of tact, Nadine Thornhill is used to airing out other people’s unmentionables. Her sex column, Dirty Laundry, runs the last Friday of each month on Apt613. To ask your questions, or to say hello to Nadine, contact her at dirtylaundry613@gmail.com.

For the full smorgasboard of Nadine’s musings check out her blog, Adorkable Thespian.

Dear Dirty Laundress,

I started dating this guy a few weeks ago. He’s really great, really smart and nice. The sex has been great too and we’ve both been really into it, until about a week ago I noticed he seemed a little weird about going down on me. I didn’t say anything, but then it happened again and so I asked him if something was wrong. He said he didn’t want to make me feel bad or anything, but that he just wasn’t used to hair down there. He said the other women he’s been with have all been bare. I do a little shaving, you know, to keep things tidy but that’s it. I asked him if he wanted me to get it waxed and he said that it was up to me. Now I don’t know what to do. I love when we have oral sex and I don’t want him to feel weird about it, but I’m also kind of scared about getting everything waxed. Does it really hurt as much as they say? And do they really wax your bum and everything?

Hair Today. Gone Tomorrow?

The answer to both of your questions, HTGT is: yes. It hurts. It’s a similar pain to having a band-aid ripped off, except the band-aid is hot, on your crotch and about ten times more tenacious. If you do it regularly, it gets a little easier with time, but it never feels good. That having been said, a well-trained aesthetician can get it over with pretty quickly. If you get a true Brazilian-style wax, then yes, they will strip away every last hair, including anything that sprouts on, around or between your butt cheeks. It’s a special experience.

When it comes to other people’s pubes, I don’t have strong opinions about their grooming choices. I do; however, have strong opinions about a person’s right to exercise agency over their own body. Pubic hair is a new sensory experience for your partner. That’s fine. Performing cunnilingus is going to feel different and it may take him a while to get used to it. That is also fine. But pubes are natural. They’re normal and despite the growing prevalence of French (the landing strip variation) and Brazilian waxing, a lot of women proudly sport full, sexy bushes. Because we’re talking about your body, I won’t tell you what to do. I will; however, suggest some questions that I might ask myself in your position:

1. Do I like the look/feel of pubic hair…mine in particular?

2. Do I like the look/feel of bare pubic skin?

3. Am I willing to undergo a fairly painful process, possibly every 2-4 weeks to maintain a hair-free pubic area?

4. Can I afford $40-$65 dollars per waxing?

5. How do I feel about a procedure that involves stranger seeing and touching the intimate parts of my body?

If you decide you want to go for it, do your research. You want an aesthetician who has experience doing full pubic waxing. And you want someone that you feel comfortable with, because they’re going to be working in all of your nooks and crannies. And if you decide against it, just let your partner know that your sexy hair is his chance to expand his taste horizons.

Dear Dirty Laundress,

What’s your take on polyamory? Have you seen it work? Is it a pipe dream?

The More The Merrier

Polyamory is one form of non-monogamy. In her book, Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships, Tristan Taormino defines polyarmory as, “The practice of maintaining multiple, significant, intimate relationships simultaneously.” Bear in mind this is one broad definition. The specific characteristics of polyamory are as diverse as the people involved.

As for my personal take, I think that polyamory is as valid a relationship construct as any other. I have seen it work. I’ve also seen it fail. But if statistics on marriage are to be believed, monogamy also fails at least as often as it’s successful. Speaking strictly anecdotally, poly relationship seem to work best when the people involved are honest with themselves and their partners about what they want and need. Negotiating and respecting clear boundaries seems imperative for a polyamorous relationship to thrive, as is open communication.

If monogamous relationships are slightly more “successful”, I suspect it’s because twosomes have almost absolute social support on an institutional level. Everything from our tax structure to our frozen entrées validate a two-lovers-at-a-time kind of relationship. Meanwhile, non-monogamy is stigmatized. It’s weird. We accept plurality in love for our parents, our siblings, our children and our friends, but for some reason if love for a partner is not exclusive it’s often regarded as invalid or worse, immoral. As such, some people who find themselves attracted to, perhaps in love with, someone other than their chosen partner will repress that desire. Or worse, they will indulge the desire but without their partner’s knowledge or consent.

I believe that love, desire and sexual expression are expansive. If you so choose, you can make room for more than one lover in your life. Do it with honesty and integrity. You might make mistakes. You might fuck it up entirely and have to try again. But this is true of all relationships, no matter how many people are involved.

If you’re intrigued by polyamory or other forms of non-monogamy, TMTM, I suggest your start with some research. Taormino’s book on non-monogamy is one the best I’ve read. Other resources include, The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities by Dossie Easton. Also, there are polyamory discussion groups around the city that welcome newcomers regardless of their relationship status.